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John Mulaney: Defender of Dogs, Hater of Your Stupid Scooters

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John Mulaney performs onstage

When it comes to loving your dog, John Mulaney is one of the best. He constantly is posting about his dog Petunia, shows how much he loves her, and she’s often been the focus of jokes in his sets. That doesn’t mean that she’s anything less than perfect in his eyes, though. So, when she almost died because of a rogue electric scooter user, Mulaney took to social media to tell us all of his hatred of the new trend.

Petunia Mulaney is honestly more important than John Mulaney. Yeah, I said it. My love for John himself runs deep, but sweet baby Petunia has taken our heart with her flat little snout and run with it. So, when John Mulaney went on Instagram to share that Petunia was almost run over by one of these scooters that have popped up in cities around the country and carry out his personal vendetta against them, I understood his John Wick-ish quest.

Twitter user @Nellanndee captured Mulaney’s stories (because, you know, Instagram), and they honestly make a lot of sense:

Sure, we’re trying to find eco-friendly alternatives to cars (though this may not be it), and we’re certainly into public transit solutions, but we also have to recognize that putting pedestrians in danger isn’t a great solution, either. Often, I’ve found myself fighting a biker off the sidewalk in New York because they didn’t feel like biking in the street, so imagine a dog on the sidewalk having to worry about additional vehicles.

So, when you really think about it, Mulaney is right. Scooters, while fun and helpful for transportation, can be dangerous, and the idea that you can just leave them anywhere is gross, but also his point is more against those who use them recklessly. So often, in big cities, we’re under attack from those on wheels because they have the basic understanding that if you have wheels, you go on the road, not on the sidewalk.

Mulaney using the near-death experience of Petunia to bring this issue to light is courageous and what we need. (I know I sound facetious, but also if something happened to Petunia, I would hunt down the culprit myself because that sweet baby deserves NOTHING but the world.) We, as humans, often just get angry and roll our eyes and continue in our ways, but I know I personally did not think about the potential of dogs and what would happen if one of these scooters hit an unsuspecting pup.

I mean, now I kind of want to see John Mulaney go full John Wick, because I think THAT could be the movie of the century, but alas, we’ll have to deal with him taking to Instagram to yell about the irresponsible nature of scooter users in Washington D.C. instead.

(image: Roy Rochlin/Getty Images for NRDC)

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WorldMaker
9 hours ago
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Welcome to the club, John. Adding “one almost killed Petunia Mulaney” to my curmudgeon’s list of grievances with the scooter companies.
Louisville, Kentucky
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I Finally Watched Alien and It Blew Me Away—Also, Everyone Should Have Just Listened to Ripley

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Sigourney Weaver, Ian Holm, John Hurt, Tom Skerritt, Veronica Cartwright, Yaphet Kotto, and Harry Dean Stanton in Alien (1979)

This year was the 40-year anniversary of the 1979 movie Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley, one of the iconic heroes of science-fiction. Being the fake-film-geek-girl I am, it was a movie I hadn’t seen until just recently, despite having watched the Alien vs. Predator movies and being familiar with the story through its place in the cultural zeitgeist. Going into the movie, I knew three things: Ripley is the sole survivor, the chest buster scene would happen, and of course, what the final Xenomorph would look like. I didn’t know anything.

**Spoilers for Alien in case anyone is late like me.**

Alien is a 1979 science-fiction horror film directed by Ridley Scott and written by Dan O’Bannon. The film stars Tom Skerritt, Sigourney Weaver, Veronica Cartwright, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, Ian Holm, and Yaphet Kotto.

We begin with the crew of the commercial space ship Nostromo being awakened from their stasis during a return trip to Earth. Our crew of redshirts is made up of Captain Dallas, Executive Officer Kane, Warrant Officer Ripley (the hero we don’t deserve), Navigator Lambert, Science Officer Ash, and two engineers, Parker and Brett (the true heroes of this story). After begin awoken, they realize that they are not actually in their own star system. That’s because the ship’s computer, Mother, had awoken them early because of a distress signal that they are required to investigate. Otherwise, they would have to forfeit their money.

They land on the moon LV-426 and end up taking damage from the atmosphere and rocky terrain. Parker and Brett repair the ship while Dallas, Kane, and Lambert head out to investigate the signal as Ash looks on from the ship. As they journey, Ripley deciphers part of the transmission and figures out that it isn’t a distress call; it’s a warning.

From this point on, shit gets crazy. The three outside crew members explore an alien ship, and Kane ends up finding a bunch of eggs. While he’s leaning over one, it opens, and a facehugger breaks through his helmet and attaches itself to his face. When the crew tries to bring Kane back aboard the Nostromo, Ripley, who is technically in command, says they can’t let them in because of the need for a 24-hour quarantine. If only they had listened. Ash overrules Ripley and lets them in, and because of that, the majority of the crew is doomed to death. The facehugger implants an alien baby inside of Kane, and it explodes from his chest during dinner (rude), and the rest is man vs. monster in its purest form.

Watching the film, it struck me that the only people with any sense at all are Parker (Yaphet Kotto), Lambert (Veronica Cartwright) and Ripley. All three of them are uncomfortable with the situation. Parker (along with Brett) is already frustrated they are underpaid for their work and isn’t interested in sticking their necks out any more. Also, in the book, he agrees with Ripley about the quarantine. Lambert spends most of the trip outside saying that they should term back. She is instantly unnerved, but Dallas and Kane go forward. Not only is Ripley the one who decodes the message and tries to save everyone else, but she is the only one who is suspicious of Ash and paying attention.

When Ripley finally takes over following the death of Dallas, and finds out that Ash has been working with the company to return the alien to Earth; the crew is expendable. That’s when we find out that Ash is a robot, and I did not know that and I screamed. That was such a twist, and I had no idea that robots were a normal thing in the Alien franchise. It was so good, and his final line: “I can’t lie to you about your chances, but … you have my sympathies”? What a dick.

It makes sense that the three of them are the last ones to survive (before it becomes one), because they were the ones most going against the company line. Even Parker, who might have seemed crude at the beginning, dies because he’s trying to save Lambert, rather than just taking the shot when he the chance.

I’m not going to bring up Jones, because that cat would have survived them all without any help because he was by far the most capable.

There is something beautifully simplistic about Alien—the practical effects, the design of the alien, and how the tension just keeps ramping up. We spend so little time with the alien onscreen, but we do feel the terror because of its ability to just maneuver easily in the vents, not to mention the inky blackness of it blends into the darkness so that you can’t tell it’s there until it’s too late.

Alien and the character of Ellen Ripley helped change science fiction for the better, and I’m so glad that I finally get the hype. All the twists work out perfectly, and I can tell that watching it again, knowing all the secrets, will only make it more interesting.

Also, capitalism is bad.

When did you first see Alien? Which movie in the franchise is your favorite?

(image: Paramount)

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The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—

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WorldMaker
14 hours ago
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It’s funny how popular culture doesn’t spoil only the one twist, probably because it was utterly mundane in context of surrounding sci-fi films at release, but will surprise modern first time watchers.
Louisville, Kentucky
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Steam should let users resell games, French court rules

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French Steam users have the right to resell games, a Paris court has ruled in a case brought by a consumer group. The years-long case isn’t fully settled because Valve can yet appeal, and why would they not? This is still a big decision. The official line so far has been that games bought in a downloadable form, without a physical form like a disc backing them, cannot be resold. The court also ruled against several other clauses of Steam’s terms, like keeping your Steam Wallet funds if you shut down your account.

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WorldMaker
29 days ago
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Digital asset law is going to be a huge battle over the next few decades. These sound like potentially good first steps. (My personal fascination is digital asset inheritance. There's probably going to be a few years before the first major fights over "my parent's Steam library", but that's going to be an important fight, because none of the digital asset providers allow for survivorship in their terms of service.)
Louisville, Kentucky
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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Human

1 Comment and 10 Shares


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The correct response is 'Oh yeah, well your FACE is punctuated by the deaths of loved ones!'


Today's News:
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WorldMaker
51 days ago
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😭
Louisville, Kentucky
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Bubble Bobble 4 Friends

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We've added Bubble Bobble 4 Friends for the Nintendo Switch to our database of Co-Op games!

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WorldMaker
63 days ago
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This title is nearly perfect. Excellent use of that 4 😺
Louisville, Kentucky
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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Video Games

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Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
All those kids who grew up on Pac-Man now think it's okay to eat ghosts.


Today's News:
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WorldMaker
70 days ago
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Minecraft is coddling the youth and not providing enough healthy, visceral violence. Not like imagining your whole family dying of terrible viral diarrhea in the cold, hard reality of the virtual Oregon Trail.
Louisville, Kentucky
mkalus
69 days ago
Well, there is “Organ Trail”....
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